How To Be A Good Vampire
by Shh - my pen name is pen name
Summary: Jasper Hale-Cullen is on a mission to become a 'Good Vampire'. Reading a book called "How To Be A Good Vampire" Jasper will be kind and friendly, get a puppy take care of kids and HOPEFULLY they will not die. Or do we want them to die, good luck Jasper
1. Be nice to EVERYONE!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga, Stephanie Myers does.**

Jasper's point of view

"How To Be A Good Vampire" the title of the book read. I am Japer Hale-Cullen and on a mission to be a good vampire. I will be a good vampire, I will not kill the town, or the state, or the country, or the world! Now back to reading…

**How To Be A Good Vampire: Chapter One – Smile and Be Kind**

**_A common human habit is to smile and be kind. Throughout the day, humans will wave or smile offering good words and luck to each other never swearing or hurting each other! In order to help fit in with the human species and be a 'Good vampire' join in on the politeness and joy of a human's short life span. _**

**I urge you to try this exercise; Go to the local human super-market and walk around as if you yourself are grocery shopping. For every person you see; smile, wave and say a polite hello, or offer a compliment or conversation.**

Alright, I think I'll try it! I grabbed my coat and skipped out the door. I walked into Forks' local super-market and looked around. There were frantic mothers, a few kids, people and I smelt Bella. Yum, her blood so – No!, I'm a good vampire now! After watching, I decided to walk around like the instructions said.

"Hi!" I said waving with a huge smile on my face at a lady wearing a bright yellow dress. She walked faster giving me an odd look. Her emotions said: creepy-boy.

"Hello sir, I love your 'Star Wars' tie ~!" I happily sang with joyous butterflies swimming in my eyes. The mans jumped and called me gay… His emotions say: Creepy kid needs help.

" Hello ma'm, God is looking down on you with a radiant smile today, singing about your shoes~!" Apparently, she misheard me for she replied,

" I am a proud atheist and my shoes are not a sin!" walking away in a huff. This is not working out…Ooh, I smell Bella comin' my way!

"Hello beautiful, the sun will shine in your eyes, but you won't go blind!" I sang to her.

"Uh… Jasper, what are you doing?" She asked me confused.

"Learning to be a 'Good Vampire' and doing the excise in my book, "How To Be A Good Vampire"." I told her with a huge grin. " It says that humans are always nice to each other and to be kind, and to compliment everyone, and always smile!"

"Sure thing Jasper…" Bella said, her emotion told me; the book is wrong we are mean people, us humans…

**Authors Note: Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story. This was not meant to insult Jasper or religion, but for mere humor purposes only! The Next chapter will be about "To be a good vampire, make kids laugh!" Please review! - TheNecromancerSorceress**


	2. Give pineapples to the homeless

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga, Stephanie Myers does.**

* * *

Jasper's point of view

_How To Be A Good Vampire, Chapter 2: Give pineapples to the homeless_, I read to myself. I bounced in my seat in that little dark emo corner. _Yay, yay, yay~! _Last time saying 'hi' and smiling so gaily had been a joyous rainbow of love, I am a "GOOD VAMPIRE"! Oh yeah, beat that hot wheels! Must continue reading!

**How To Be A Good Vampire, Chapter 2: Give pineapples to the homeless**

**_Humans though kind, compassionate, sympathetic, selfless, and loving cannot fully take care of each other completely. This is where a 'good vampire' comes in. We vampires either have an abundance of money or the clear ability to rob a bank and buy/steal pineapples. There are many homeless humans (h.h or plural h.h's) that are in need of food such as pineapples._**

**_Pineapples are the choice food to be given out due to the facts that they are healthy, sweet, and can be used for protection. The sweet fruit (or that's what most humans I surveyed said) is nutritious and spiky so when attacked they can swing the pineapple defending themselves, unless they are attacked by a 'bad vampire' which you are not. Pineapples are commonly worshiped throughout human history and can be found at popular grocery stores._**

**_Try This Exercise: Go to the local city with a bunch of pineapples and hand them out to the homeless WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE!_**

**_I nodded my head vigorously and jumped up excited I grabbed my keys and lest for Wal-Mart. When I finally arrived at Wal-Mart, I skipped out of my car and bought ALL the pineapples, then got in line waving and smiling at everyone. On the ride to Los Angeles, I waved at EVERYONE, never beeped the horn or got mad and told the people they looked pretty when they cussed at me! Once I was there, I got out of the car and found all the homeless people I could, gifting them each with two pineapples._**

Homeless Person 1

"Hello, dear homeless person! You're looking beautiful today~!" This human at on a crate in the back of a rat-filled alleyway, he was covered in dirt and smelt of butterflies!

"Give me your money!" Ooh, he's demanding!

" Would you like a pineapple!"

"This is a robbery, give me your money!"

"Here's your pineapples, I hope you have a good day pretty~!" That was fun, I hope he has good use of the pineapples~!

Homeless Person 2

"Hello Mr. And Mr. Homeless person, how are you doing on this beautiful day~?" It is such a good day for giving!

"I'm a girl, and my names Amy…"

"I'm also a girl and my names Justine…"

"Oh… Well your looking beautiful! How would you like some pineapples!"

"Give me your clothes, this is a robbery!"

"Oh, how wonderful~! Here are your pineapples! Have a super day!"

"…"

Homeless Person 3

"Hello Mr. Wonderful-Homeless-Person, how are you doing today – I hope wonderful!"

"Give me everything you own or die!" Omg, he's angry!

" I'm sorry, bu-"

BAM! Poor Jasper now lays on the ground unconscious robbed of all his clothes, cars, money and pineapples, but on the bright side he REALLY helped someone today and his physic wife will probably find him! Good luck in the next chapter Jasper!

Authors Note: Thank you for reading my story and I apologize for the EXTREMELY late update! I hope you enjoyed, hopefully the next chapter will be up soon! – TheNecromancerSorceress

-This story is dedicated to my Jasper obsessed sister, Amy.


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